inspiration strikes - a break from the monotony

Saturday, February 01, 2003

CELTICS, SUDS AND SLEEP

THE GOOD: Last night, my friend Suneer set me up with luxury box tickets to the Pistons vs. the Celtics, at the Fleet Center.

THE BAD: The Celtics got blown out by 50+ points.

THE UGLY: After the game, I fell asleep during The Recruit; I probably caught about half of the flick. The movie itself was good (the parts I saw were...). Granted it was a 10:45pm show and I had an arduous week, but come on.
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mattchun 2/01/2003 04:01:00 PM [+] ::
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SANDWICHES, SNEEZES AND THE CIA

N.B. Based on recent experience (not ten minutes ago, in fact), you should avoid sneezing while your mouth is half-filled with a chewed up sandwich, lest your hands and nearby carpet suffer the consequences.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm in need of some mindless entertainment, so I'm going to see The Recruit with some friends. Reviews have been mixed, but Colin Farrell's character hails from my alma mater, and for a change he's, as my friend astutely pointed out, "not a dork.*"

(*cf. The techie in XXX, Professor Frink of the Simpsons, etc.)
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mattchun 1/31/2003 01:26:00 PM [+] ::
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DISTINGUISHED ALUMNI

My college fraternity has a motley assortment of "distinguished" alumni (not necessarily from my chapter). Some of the most salient examples are Jack Welch, Don Knotts, and Dick Enberg.

Another notable alumnus of somewhat dubious distinction is none other than Mr. Cheech Marin. I tend to read the occasional article on Mr. Marin because of our (however tenuous) connection. The most recent news? Apparently he and Tommy Chong are getting together for a reunion film of sorts. It has been tentatively titled Cheech and Chong Get Blunt.

I think they're toking, uh, taking their time in hashing out the pot, er, plot.
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mattchun 1/31/2003 11:18:00 AM [+] ::
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THIS PUNDIT'S PUNTIFICATION

I have a confession to make. The unending stream of wordplay emanating from Chuckles, Greg, et al has forced me to a stark realization. I like puns. I think puns are funny. I enjoy a bon mot nearly as much as a cup of cocoa on a cold winter's day. It's true -- I more guffaw than groan at quips like 'arias of fog' and 'keno speaker.' Not sneers, but smiles frame my face when I happen across a particularly wily witticism.

I've come to accept this as part of who I am. If your riposte rips this post, then so be it. Ha ha ha.
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mattchun 1/31/2003 09:48:00 AM [+] ::
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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I PRESENT TO YOU MR. BRYAN ADAMS!

I've got a friend whose name is Bryan Adams. You know, like the Canadian former pop star. But he's not the pop star, even though this Bryan Adams also sings. I told him a while ago that I have a blog, but didn't tell him where it was. Over the past couple of months, he's been searching for it, and today he finally found it. Congratulations Bryan.

I'm curious how many people share their blogs with real-life friends, and how many keep their blogs hidden away...
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mattchun 1/30/2003 06:46:00 PM [+] ::
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LISTEN TO THE MONKEY TALK

The aphorism is, "money is the root of all evil;" monkeys, on the other hand, seem to be good for a laugh. For my own amusement (and yours as well), I've taken a handful of money expressions and turned them into monkey expressions:

Monkey for nothing
Take the monkey and run
Monkey makes the world go 'round

My favorites:
Put your monkey where your mouth is
Shake your monkey-maker

It's amazing how monkey changes everything.
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mattchun 1/30/2003 03:30:00 PM [+] ::
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I NEED A DRINK
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mattchun 1/29/2003 08:33:00 PM [+] ::
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I POSTED IT THERE, BUT I GUESS I'LL POST IT HERE, TOO

Ode to the Secret Slumber Party

Maidens, nubile, gather all as one;
fair menagerie of blogging's best.
The rope that binds the soul is come undone
as yonder city stirs with cool unrest.
Black Manolo Blahniks on their heels,
Dionysian revelry amid
libations plentiful; and full of zeal
the throng is met - with all their hearts alit -
a song is raised above the rising gale.
The never-sleeping town has no defense,
alluring tigresses are setting sail.
But this question stirs my countenance:
When ye maidens meet the coming night,
Can I watch the topless pillow fight?
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mattchun 1/29/2003 08:23:00 PM [+] ::
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A SMALL POTPOURRI OF MASCULINITY

With the fairer sex discussing girls' night, I thought I'd post a few manly anecdotes covering a range of different topics to keep up the level of testosterone on the web. Here goes:

Work: Believe it or not, I used to have a job where I spent most of the day pounding stakes into the ground with a sledgehammer. I once operated a jackhammer, and had to double-clutch a truck, though I was lousy at both.

Sport: I'm currently the leading scorer based on total points and the third leading scorer based on average in my Monday night basketball league. Don't tell anyone that this is the low-skill level league. I prefers to call it the fun league.

Food: I like rare steak. I've eaten steak tartare, though I didn't particularly enjoy it. I once ate so many ribs that I got tunnel vision from the experience, a phenomenon described by my friend Jeb as "Pork-Eye."

Drink: There is a bunch of beer in my refrigerator, left over from the Superbowl party. Unfortunately, most of it is Bud Lite (The Prince of Beers).

Literature: I'm reading For Whom the Bell Tolls, by Ernest Hemingway. Papa* was a man's man if there ever was one. What with the war and all of the carousing, and gaming, and drinking and womanizing. What's that you say? Right, there was some great writing too. "Lean, athletic prose."

* Tangent: Back in 1998, I vacationed in Florida. During my stay, I went on a tour of Hemingway's house in Key West. It was a lovely Spanish villa that conjured up images of Hemingway pecking at his typewriter, or kicking back with a bottle of Scotch. Lots of balconies, palm trees and warm sea breezes.

The place was swarming with cats, descendants of Hemingway's own. When they padded up close you could see that they had an extra toe, that our tour guide said gave the cats more traction and thus the felines were quite adept at catching mice. The cats were as good as Hemingway at hunting game.
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mattchun 1/29/2003 07:28:00 PM [+] ::
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REGARDING THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS

"Nucular. It's pronounced 'nucular'." - Homer Simpson
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mattchun 1/29/2003 02:20:00 PM [+] ::
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THE JOKE (NOT THE ONE BY MILAN KUNDERA)

Apparently, I'm still reeling from the effects of the Superbowl party (beer, fat, salt) because I'm feeling dreadfully unoriginal. Because of my current state of novelty-deficiency, I thought I'd share a joke. I'm not sure if this is my favorite joke, but it's the one that first comes to mind when I'm asked to tell a joke. It goes a little somethin' like this:

A man walks into a bar in [insert state you wish to poke fun at] and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful wimp.
The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya??? Where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from [Insert neutral state or your home state]."
The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in [neutral state]?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"
The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

Ha ha ha ha ha (because people who have sex with animals are funny)
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mattchun 1/28/2003 05:41:00 PM [+] ::
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I FEEL DULL AND I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING INTERESTING TO SAY...

Ever have one of those days when you just feel slow? I am Mr. Molasses today. I am all brain stem and no brain. I think my synapses need to be re-gapped.

Someone's got a case of the Mondays.
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mattchun 1/27/2003 06:07:00 PM [+] ::
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"YOU KNOW YOU NEED A COVER SHEET ON YOUR TPS REPORTS, FOOL!"

I may not be able to post as frequently if this guy is around.
The "Office Linebacker" commercial received the most laughter at my Superbowl party. This was for a couple of reasons:

1) There's something absolutely hilarious about seeing a bunch of white-collar, pencil-neck office drones (like me) getting slammed by an enormous, intimidating linebacker. There's a vicarious thrill in seeing what could be a bunch of your more annoying co-workers getting tackled.

2) By that point, everyone was kinda drunk.
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mattchun 1/27/2003 01:01:00 PM [+] ::
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I MEANT TO CALL, BUT IT WAS THOSE DAMN DENIAL OF SERVICE ATTACKS

MATT: "Baby, what's going on? Things just haven't...well, they haven't been the same lately."
BLOGGER: "I'm just not feeling like myself. I don't want to talk about it."
MATT: "But that's just it. I've been posting, but you're not listening."
BLOGGER: "I know, I know. It's not you, it's me."
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mattchun 1/26/2003 11:27:00 AM [+] ::
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WHY WATCH THE LITHE, BALLETIC VIOLENCE OF THE SUPERBOWL WHEN YOU CAN WATCH REDNECKS FIGHTING?

I received this piece of spam yesterday, and it was too funny/bizarre/frightening not to post:

From: ass-kicking [SMTP:ass-kicking@mailman45.vmadmin.com]
Subject: Rednecks fighting
Sent: 1/25/03 10:30 AM

GET THE VIDEO FREE RIGHT NOW! DON'T MISS OUT
** Mexican Gang Chicks
** Martial Art Masters
** Rednecks
** Bar Fights
** Group Swarmings
** Drunken Brawls
** All REAL Fights

Don't ask me how I get on these lists.
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mattchun 1/26/2003 11:13:00 AM [+] ::
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